Moving on.

It has been 51 days since I physically saw your face. 54 days since I kissed your eyes and those beautiful sunshine creases.  54 days since I was rubbed raw by your sandpaper 5:00 shadow.  54 days since Stacy.  54 days since I cringed when I touched the mole.  54 days since your arm wrapped completely around me.  54 days since I stood in the kitchen exhausted and drank the good stuff with you.  54 days since I stood at the door and kissed you goodbye in my red robe. 

Yet, you are everywhere.  You're in my dreams treating me horribly.  You're in my morning recap thanking God I'm not doing this insanity with you anymore.  You're in the stars when I'm in Florida.  You're standing by the water waiting to drag me in.  You're drunk in my sober acting poorly and sober in my drunk looking amazing. 

You ask what you could have done better or not to lose me.  I know the answer.  It is simple in my brain yet there are not words.  You should have loved me more than you loved you is the closest I can come in words.

I see you everywhere yet I pray everyday that I don't see you.  I hear your truck.  I hear your ring tone.  I see your black yet and your smily eyes and your mole next to your eye and my heart falls because oh my Gosh is it him and what will I do?   Dear God, please don't let me see him until I am ready.  I am ready to ignore your emails and phone calls as I have been for 51 days.  I am not ready to face you.  Please protect me.

The Final

You left on a Sunday, prior to that day for 24 hours you told me you couldn't live without me.  I loved every second and promised myself it didn't matter.  I would take it or leave it, even when you held my face in your hands over and over and kissed me like we were facing the Armageddon.  I felt loved.  And then you were gone.  And then you were angry.  And then I was anxious.  Anxious that I had caved.  Anxious that you expected me to sit back for the next 8 weeks and be true to you.  Anxious that you were looking at every girl that moved where you were.  Anxious that I was an idiot.  And so on day 5 I told you I was anxious and that I couldn't trust you.  I said you have to prove to me, you have to somehow assist in undoing the last 9 months by loving me everyday from afar and making sure I knew it.  It was too much for you.  You got angry.  You said things like, "As of right now"  and "What am I supposed to do".  I knew my anxiety was warranted.  I sent you one text.  "If you love someone, commitment is easy".  You tried to make it right for less than a day and then gave up for a week.

I made plans for 7 days later, or rather I kept the plans I had made prior to you being a flake.  Saturday came, the day you knew the girls would be gone and although I had only angry work stuff from the week, you suddenly needed to talk to me.  I knew I COULDN'T talk to you.  You left desperate messages that pulled at my heart strings...just like you had done every other week or once a month for the last 10 months. The problem is...you didn't get any better.  You could never hit the nail on the head.  You never said, I am committed, I want to be married, I am dumb, I am lost...Until last night.  I don't know if it finally set in or if the Devil is testing me.  Your message was everything I ever wanted to hear from you - except for one thing.  The follow through.  When you want someone who you know loves you, you don't test the waters and say "If I thought you would say yes, I would ask you to wear my ring" and yada yada.  You just go for it.  You leave everything and everyone else's opinions behind and you do it.  As I have put my heart out for you for 10 months regardless of your heartless antics.

So I went on a date with a really good person.  I spent 42 hours straight with this man and never crossed the line sexually, never talked about my past, never had to justify to him what I had done or why.  We did things that I wanted to do and he listened.  He maybe looked at his phone 3 times in all of those hours and then only for work.  I didn't have to compete with other women, his Dad or Facebook.  He gave me his time.  No ulterior motives.  Just us.

There was a point when we were driving and the new song by Jason Mraz came on, "I won't give up on Love" and if he would have seen me under my sunglasses he would have seen tears.  I felt like I was betraying you!  You!  You who has betrayed me 84,000 times in mind and in body now.  I felt like I was cheating on you and ruining my future with you but I felt something else too...Happy.  Relaxed.

Thank you for your message telling me that I am irreplaceable and you would do anything to get me back and thank you for not following through because if you did, I could cave.  If I thought for one second that your love was strong enough to brave all of the girls who text you or facebook you and that you wouldn't drop my like a hot potato the first time one of them asked you out I would think about this.

Unfortunately being in love is like a drug for me.  I am high on this and am the best person, employee, mother, friend etc when I am on a high.  But when you leave or treat me bad, the bathroom floor is the only place I want to be.  I will NEVER be there again due to love or lack there of.  Good Bye Drug.

A Month Later...

Why haven't you posted Kristine?  MIRRORS.  Mirrors don't lie.  You cannot lie on this blog because it is for you and only you.  You knew you were giving in.  You knew you were robbing time from yourself again, only to see it thrown away. Again.

But tonight you aren't writing to heal - you actually feel very numb.  You just laid in bed for the last hour trying to think of how the good outweighs the bad in the relationship that you let yourself fall back into.  And you can't think of a single thing.  Maybe the good morning and good night phone calls and "I love yous" but those are all and those are comparable to having a gorgeous BMW without insurance.  There is nothing backing those statements.  There is no chance that if that car crashes that there will be anything to fix it or restore it.

So if the bad outweighs the good and you don't own a house together and you don't have kids together...get the Hell out.  Here are some reminders of this weekend the next time you feel that maybe you should give him another chance:

*Dinner
*Shower Door
*Suburban Bumper
*Yelling on 217
*A week of pure hell (bitching, whining) at work
*Serious inability to listen

And the worst, or perhaps the best...the one that makes me not sad, not mad, just over it is - "and the truth is I want to go back to Kansas.  I miss my friends there."  I have facebook stalked these people and they are nothing to write home about.  RR - you miss being "The Man" and you miss not having a SINGLE RESPONSIBILITY in sight.

So enough about him.  Kristine you have a lot of stuff to do this week and this summer.  You wrote down your goals.  Let's get back to what is really important.  Your future, the chicas, the job that let's you live your independent life and most importantly, THE PRESENT.

I have been reading all of the "20 things to do in relationships" and "30 things to a better life" and there is a serious consistency in all of those reads.  Leave the Negative people behind.  If someone cannot treat you the way you deserve - get away from them.  This was the weird part - I actually thought I deserved this, I thought it was my turn.

Instead of creating a lot of drama and a big break up that leads him reeling back and forth and pining for you back.  Just leave the negativity behind.  You don't have the time for people that can't treat you the way you treat them.  Yes - you may have hurt RR in the past, but going back through your messages in Facebook and pictures - you can honestly say you gave a whole year of treating him very well.  You gave and did not get.  You LOVED and it was not returned.  Treat others how you want to be treated.  Be friendly to make friends.  Give Love to be Loved.  Keep doing this with the people that reciprocate.  Not the ones who don't.

Trains

February 14th was surprising to me to say the least.  There were 2 lovely bouquets of flowers on my doorstep when I got home.  I knew one had to be from him.  The first were from my wonderful sister-in-law who somehow knew what RR would do and had literally come to sweep them off my porch and take them away.  I'm glad she didn't do that because the card he left put me on a high that I have been coming off of for the last day and a half.

His card was handwritten on one side, a whole page.  It started with "The grass is not greener on the other side" and ended with how miserable he is.  That page was amazing.  I thought for sure we were on the verge of getting back together.

The other page said, Love Always RR and P.S. I'm Sorry.

If I would have only read the left side of all of his heart-wrenching love and heartache I would have gone flying back into his arms.  But the right side was hard to ignore. 

And then I remembered that essentially this could have been the 8th time.  The 8th time he was sorry and the 7th time I took him back...No.  No.  It couldn't be right?  How many guys do you know that hand-write a whole page telling you how much they miss you?

But how many guys just end it with a Post Script of being sorry?

"P.S. I'm Sorry" helped solidify my strength and also my sadness.  It pretty much undid the whole left side of the card.  It didn't say, P.S. I'm going to prove to you how much I love you or P.S. I am going to pull my head out of my ass or P.S. please marry me.  It just said he was sorry.  To me that meant, "I can't change".  I am what I am what I am.  I am sorry for that.

P.S. I'm Sorry seemed like "The End".


Strong just feels sad to me.   So why did the card put me on a "high"?  Because for one whole day I thought maybe he was as sad as I am.  For one whole day I thought, "He isn't interested in anyone else anymore, he knows we are meant to be together, he is Sorry."  Unfortunately Sorry isn't always an advocate for change.

There is a train track between my house and the house he lived in for the last 4 years.  Whenever we would hear the train while laying in bed one of us would say "hmmmmm...our train" and then pull the other tighter.  The train made us miss each other when we were apart.   We would text each other and say "Here Without You" whenever we heard the train.  That is our song, and his famous tattoo.  I have been texting him that saying longer than I will ever admit to anyone.  I heard the train this morning at 5am and I ached for him.  Ached.   He doesn't live there anymore so he doesn't hear the train.  And I am jealous of him.  Jealous of no heartache.  Jealous of the ability to be selfish.  If jealousy is the art of counting someone else's blessings instead of your own then it is true.  I am jealous that he is blessed not to have to hear the sound of that train.

Would have, Could Have, Should Have.

I got another phone call Sunday night.  Another message telling me that he hoped I was doing well and hoped we would talk soon.  I hate these messages.  Especially on a Sunday night.  If he didn't have time for me on Saturday night why do I have to be his security blanket on a work night?  So I ignored it and prayed about it.  I prayed to guide my actions.  I decided not to ignore.

I could have called but since we all know he can't listen to save his life I figured letting him read would be better.  I sent him a message stating that the person that gets his quality time on Saturday night should be the same person that gets his goodnight calls.  I said I have been very respectful of his wishes to move on and I would like to do the same so for now, a work relationship is all I would like to have and it does not include goodnight texts or calls.

The text that was returned was surprising to say the least - well to me.  My fabulous readers will probably roll their eyes.  It said he was sorry that he waited until Sunday to call - he supposedly was giving me time to cool off after being as ass last week.  And then he said, "FYI you still have all of my quality time because I thought about you and how I screwed up and how I would have done 84,000 things different to fix us."

So....You would have?  You will?  You are? You were?  You would have IF what?  If you didn't have so many other distractions?  If I was better? Prettier? Stronger?  Younger?

Don't say you would have when you won't and you aren't.  Furthermore, don't say you would have when you didn't and nothing stopped you except your own ability to move forward.

And you can all cheer because although the old self would have called him and said, "You would have then what? Do you want to try?" or the old self would have given him some encouragement to further his statement.

But that was one of the 84,000 mistakes.  The new self knows that this is not a Valentines Movie and he is not going to fix the "Would Have" and there is no point in taking the reins. 

Same day of patterns

This morning's post was so pathetic.  I am embarrassed and wish I could erase it however what would be the point of this blog if I did that?

I have been seeing the same nail technician for 14 years.  14 years.  She is Vietnamese and her name is Tina.  She came to America as a teen when her Dad finally got approval to send for his family.  I have always known her to be a hard worker.  I knew she ran a business, worked for the post office and became a masseuse.  Little did I know her plight was nothing compared to mine.  In fact, talking to her today made me feel guilty for ever feeling sorry for myself.

Tina and her husband were extremely goal orientated and paying off their house was their main goal.  From what I understand it was a beautiful home in Bethany.  Her husband had a good job but like I said, they wanted to PAY OFF THEIR HOUSE!  I think I remember it being worth 400k???  Anyway they did.  Through all of their hard work, they did.

And when they did, they decided to finally try and have a baby.  This was in her early 30's.  She did not get pregnant.  And when she went in to find out why, she discovered she had cancer.  Now, she is Vietnamese so understanding where and what kind is difficult however I know she had to have her girly parts that help us have babies removed.

And when she found out that she would be unable to have children and that she had Cancer...something horrible happened.  After working her 9 hour day managing her nail salon and then going to masseuse school at night, she came home and the locks on her beautiful home that she had worked her ass off to pay for was locked.  All of the doors were locked and the lights were out and her keys would not work.

She called her husband over and over and got no answer.  So she went to the only place other than her home she knew to go, her parents home.  They let her stay for a few weeks and then politely told her she wasn't welcome anymore and needed to figure out her marriage as divorce was not an option.

She broke into her home, changed the locks and stayed there.  Her husband finally came home.  He had gone to Vietnam to his new girlfriend whom he had met online.  He got his girlfriend pregnant.  Tina sold their home.  Put all of the profit into an account which he let her have out of guilt.  She went to California monthly through a grant for treatment.  All the while without support.  Not from her parents.  Not from her husband.  Everyone had left her.

To this day she goes to an American church and not her Vietnamese church because they do not recognize her "separation"  from her husband.  She told me on Saturday that her clients are her only friends.

Did she lay on her bathroom floor and cry?  Did she call her friends and bother them with endless questions of how and why this happened?  Did she close her business?  Did she stop going to school?  Did her cancer get worse?  Perhaps she laid on her bathroom floor and cried but "No" is the answer to every other question.

Tina owns her nail salon and is also a masseuse.  She gave her "Husband" $10,000 to fix the cleft palate that his baby in Vietnam was born with that he really wants nothing to do with because she is a girl.  She overcame her cancer through 5 years of treatment.  She bought a small home and lets her brother and family live with her so that she isn't totally alone.  She has never officially divorced her husband because it would break her parent's hearts.  She is going to school at night to become a nurse.  She has adopted a little girl in Vietnam that she talks to almost daily that lives in an orphanage ran by her best friend.  She plans to bring her here in 7 years when she is a teenager.  She is saving money for that.

I never thought twice about Tina until a couple months ago when I said I wanted to change my appointment so that I could come without the chicas in peace and she refused!  She said she wanted to see my girls, that she adored them.

I opened up to Tina after 14 years of seeing her on and off for pedis and manis.  That is when she told me her story.  I knew bits and pieces.  I knew she had fought cancer.  I thought she was divorced.  I have never seen anyone be more passionate about having dignity and moving on when and if someone doesn't treat you right.  She said she will be alone forever before she ever lives with her husband again.  She said that her "friends" judged her for not taking him back and for not residing with him and she said she would rather have no friends.  She said, "No one can change the past but everyone can start a new beginning".

She said that in the middle of it all she went to mass one morning before the salon opened and asked God, "Are you even there?"  Why would you let me have cancer, have my husband and my parents turn their backs on me, not allow me to have children all at once?"  Why????  And then out of the blue the same day a client brought her the Footsteps poem where it says God will carry you in your time of need and she said that was all she needed.  She said, she went back to mass and said "Just Kidding God, I know you're here ;)"

Imagine how selfish I felt when she said, "At least you have your girls."  Tina had no one.  And really...still has no one.  A worthless ex-husband.  Parents who are more or less ashamed.  A daughter 84,000 miles away.  A church that doesn't relate to her ethnicity.  Not even a friend in the world to listen or pat her on the back.  Even worse, no little girls to greet her in the morning and tell her how amazing and "Fablious" she looks after her spray tan like I do.

Thank you friends for listening and reading.  I think it is time for me to ask Tina out for dinner.  Wonder if she likes cheeseburgers.

Day 13ish? Patterns....

I had already seen some patterns.  Patterns of selfishness, patterns of dishonesty, patterns of just plain old wishy washy.  Patterns of him wanting me back the minute I walked away.  Patterns of unforgiveness.

Today is about my pattern.  A pattern of sadness and not being present.  I have used the term of being on a roller coaster to describe the last six months.  That means there are highs and lows.  But it also means you go rushing to the top and you stay there for a bit and then go plunging to the bottom.  Yesterday was the top and then I feel myself rushing down again today.

My down pattern is weekends.  He called me almost every morning and evening this whole week.  Generally I didn't answer unless it was during work hours.  I was even so strong one night that I didn't listen to one of the voicemails he left until the next morning.  That was a high for me.  I knew his voicemail would disappoint me and change my night and I didn't want that for the girls.  I reminded myself all week that this high would go away on the weekend.  I knew on Saturday there would be no call.  Saturday is when he has a life.  During the week his life is work and work is me.

So today I feel lethargic even though yesterday was great.  Why was yesterday great?  Because when we were talking about work he told me how hard it was to see me every day and know he screwed up and that he missed me.  I told him I didn't want to hear it although I craved hearing it like grease after a hangover.  Mike and I had a little meeting with him and when he walked out I told him to have a good weekend and he stopped and said, "Really that's it?" and kept standing in my doorway like I was supposed to get up and tell him not to go or that I loved him.

It reminded me of the day he got back from Kansas.  He had broken my heart but then walked right in my office and swooped me up and kissed me.  And then he came over, we made love, and then he stayed the night at another girls house.  It was a good memory.  It reminded me that I don't want to be used.  It reminded me that I don't want someone that is a follower.

So why am I lethargic today?  I know he has plans tonight.  They are public on his facebook. His plans make me sad.  I am so scared he is going to find some amazing girlfriend and not look back on me fondly.  Or that he will be super happy.  Or that I won't be...

I am so mad at myself for letting his actions control my feelings.  I am proud of myself for not returning his call last night.  That is a roller coaster.

Today is a depressing post but it is an attempt to change the pattern.  Change what I think, to change how I feel to change what I do.  New Thought - Kristine you are strong.  You showed dignity and strength this week.  You have him second guessing his actions.  You are still second-guessing yourself.  Stop.  You are doing the right thing.  You should not use his piss-poor phone calls as an excuse to call him back as you used to.  You will move forward.

After my divorce I told myself, I can't wait until the day I feel that Travis is a fond memory and not the love of my life.  I got there.  I will get there again.