You left on a Sunday, prior to that day for 24 hours you told me you couldn't live without me. I loved every second and promised myself it didn't matter. I would take it or leave it, even when you held my face in your hands over and over and kissed me like we were facing the Armageddon. I felt loved. And then you were gone. And then you were angry. And then I was anxious. Anxious that I had caved. Anxious that you expected me to sit back for the next 8 weeks and be true to you. Anxious that you were looking at every girl that moved where you were. Anxious that I was an idiot. And so on day 5 I told you I was anxious and that I couldn't trust you. I said you have to prove to me, you have to somehow assist in undoing the last 9 months by loving me everyday from afar and making sure I knew it. It was too much for you. You got angry. You said things like, "As of right now" and "What am I supposed to do". I knew my anxiety was warranted. I sent you one text. "If you love someone, commitment is easy". You tried to make it right for less than a day and then gave up for a week.
I made plans for 7 days later, or rather I kept the plans I had made prior to you being a flake. Saturday came, the day you knew the girls would be gone and although I had only angry work stuff from the week, you suddenly needed to talk to me. I knew I COULDN'T talk to you. You left desperate messages that pulled at my heart strings...just like you had done every other week or once a month for the last 10 months. The problem is...you didn't get any better. You could never hit the nail on the head. You never said, I am committed, I want to be married, I am dumb, I am lost...Until last night. I don't know if it finally set in or if the Devil is testing me. Your message was everything I ever wanted to hear from you - except for one thing. The follow through. When you want someone who you know loves you, you don't test the waters and say "If I thought you would say yes, I would ask you to wear my ring" and yada yada. You just go for it. You leave everything and everyone else's opinions behind and you do it. As I have put my heart out for you for 10 months regardless of your heartless antics.
So I went on a date with a really good person. I spent 42 hours straight with this man and never crossed the line sexually, never talked about my past, never had to justify to him what I had done or why. We did things that I wanted to do and he listened. He maybe looked at his phone 3 times in all of those hours and then only for work. I didn't have to compete with other women, his Dad or Facebook. He gave me his time. No ulterior motives. Just us.
There was a point when we were driving and the new song by Jason Mraz came on, "I won't give up on Love" and if he would have seen me under my sunglasses he would have seen tears. I felt like I was betraying you! You! You who has betrayed me 84,000 times in mind and in body now. I felt like I was cheating on you and ruining my future with you but I felt something else too...Happy. Relaxed.
Thank you for your message telling me that I am irreplaceable and you would do anything to get me back and thank you for not following through because if you did, I could cave. If I thought for one second that your love was strong enough to brave all of the girls who text you or facebook you and that you wouldn't drop my like a hot potato the first time one of them asked you out I would think about this.
Unfortunately being in love is like a drug for me. I am high on this and am the best person, employee, mother, friend etc when I am on a high. But when you leave or treat me bad, the bathroom floor is the only place I want to be. I will NEVER be there again due to love or lack there of. Good Bye Drug.
