So as you probably imagined after reading Day 6, I was worthless on Day 7. In fact Kristine when you look back and read this - you should probably feel ashamed of yourself. When the girls left for Travis's you climbed into bed fully clothed and went to sleep. This is not you. First of all, sleeping has always just been a means to end for you. You have to sleep so you can work the next day. You have to sleep so you can have more energy to do the things you want to do. Sleep has never been a way to hide from your problems. But wow, it felt so great yesterday and I actually worried that I was turning into a depressed person. Someone I don't want to be.
Day 8, again slept in after a fun night with girlfriends where we talked about the important things in life. Things like our children, religion and work. Again - Did you see that Kristine? Slept in. You aren't a sleeper. Since you were a little girl you get up early and don't nap because who knows what could happen while you are sleeping? I once heard of people craving sleep. I could never understand it until yesterday. And the only reason I craved it was to escape reality. The me that I like, the me that I respect, would never crave sleep, only action. Then I went to church and listened to a sermon about "Work".
I am trying to finish Day 8. I can't focus. I know in my heart he is pursuing someone else or he would be posting on facebook twice as much. He is not wondering about me or the girls or what we are doing or how we are. He is only thinking of a new girl. So excuse me if this post is a little scatter, however I have a point in mind.
When I was talking to Lindsey and Shannon last night I said, I was so glad we weren't together when he made the mistake at work because it would be so embarrassing and I would have to feel responsible. But is that the truth? The latter part is. It would have been embarrassing and I would have felt compelled to protect him but it really doesn't make me glad we aren't together. I was in it for better or for worse. Probably to my demise. It won't be my demise. My sister-in-law said "I hope you can snap out of this and the grief will go away." and although I had thought it is inevitable for this to go away that scared the crap out of me. What if it doesn't? What if this ruins me? What if it is my demise? Nooooooo!!!!
Mike and Kara tell me I need to try and be alone. Alone? Emotionally alone? How many of you have really tried that? God made us to be together. Especially when you are raising kids! Alone is horrible. I don't want it. I don't want to get used to it.
So back to church. It was about Work. God made us and blessed us with the ability to work. Not just the pastors and elementary school teachers of the world, but all of us. Stay at home moms, landscapers, designers - even me and what I do everyday...which I'm not really sure ;) Although I can honestly say I love my job, I believe in what I do. I am so good at what I do. I know my company inside and out and could fill almost anyone's shoes (minus the finance peeps). I have always felt a little guilty for loving work so much. Today I realized - if it really is a third or half of our life that we spend working, commuting to work or thinking about work then it better be good! And you know what? We better be good at it too. God says in the bible that to have work is a blessing and that he will bless our work if it is reputable. (Not in those exact words but that was my rendition).
And work is not necessarily what we are paid to do. For example, a stay-at-home mom - that is her work. On the weekends, when I am at home - cleaning my house and keeping my kids healthy is work. Marriage is work! Relationships, volunteering, yardwork and grocery shopping - all work.
I can look back right now at the last 6 months and know that I was the best girlfriend, lover, playmate and friend to RR and I failed. Getting the RR that I knew and loved back became my WORK. It came before my job, came before my friends, came before my family. I can remember 84,000 hours of staring at my computer or sitting with the chicas with no focus and no care. Only feeling lethargic. This was not the job or the work that God wants me to be doing. There is no way that was getting blessed! I WORKED for the last 6 months at a dead end job that was only a means to an end. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and then neither came. It was comparable to doing a job only for the paycheck. I put up with the "Work" thinking there would be some fabulous payoff. I put up with the mistreatment thinking that it would change.
This is not the work I am meant to do. I am meant to work at Omega Morgan at what I am truly good at it. I am meant to work as a Mom and keep my children happy and healthy. I am meant to raise 2 of the happiest basset hounds that ever lived. I am meant to wear mismatch socks and fabulous denim. I am meant to make the best enchiladas and shephards pie. I am meant to be able to recite 84,000 phone numbers at the drop of a hat. I am meant to love with all my heart and receive the same in return.
These things are my WORK. Fixing RR and building a relationship with a foundation that has crumbled is not the work that I was meant to do. So onwards and upwards. Back to Work.
