We have all heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Since July 28th of 2011 I have been the epitome of that definition. Perhaps longer. I have been following my heart and following who I thought was the love of my life. (He may very well be the love of my life but it is becoming apparent that I am not the love of his life). There will be a time in this blog when I explain the dirty truth and tell everyone why I believe that this man and I are connected through a higher power and why it has been the hardest thing of my life to pack up my brain and move on. From the outside it will look like he was nice to me in my time of need. He will play the hero on many of these pages but unfortunately he is not my hero. He is not my white knight. He and I have made 84,000 mistakes to lead to this demise.
So today is Day 1. Day 1 of the rest of my life without my "Soulmate". Day 1 without the only person I wanted to spend the rest of my life, be intimate with, shower with, be sick with, eat at the Ringside with. Day 1 without my best friend of the last 4 years.
This is not my first Day 1. It is actually my 7th Day 1. I have tried seven full times to move on (never more than 2 weeks of success). So I have decided to make it my last Day 1. The only way to make it my last is to write these travesties down. Write down the tale of events. Write down the emotional abuse. Write down the head games. Write down how I have put my children 2nd in my brain whenever he left me crying on the floor. Second to a man who hasn't put me first in over a year or perhaps ever. Write it down, see the embarrassment on paper. Look Back at every blog and read it as if it was happening to someone else. Judge that other person and tell them how pathetic they have been. It will be weird to know that I am judging myself, however I know not another way.
One week prior to Day 1.
One week prior to Day one I had been left exactly one week prior to that crying in bed. Ugly cry. This was over a fight that involved RR (as we will refer to him from here to infinity) sitting at a bar with his ex-girlfriend the night before for 4 hours when I was out of town. He could not understand why I was upset. He called me jealous, insecure and a control freak. He was also invited by the same girl to a large fancy birthday party the next Thursday where RR was not allowed to bring his girlfriend, me. RR was going to go hell or high water and gave a million different excuses as to why he should be able to go and why I shouldn't be mad about it. (I saw the guest list and RR was one of the only males attending). So he left me that night crying in my bed telling me that he had to see what would happen with this ex-girlfriend of his as he felt there was un-finished business between them.
Kristine - Why did you cry about that? It had nothing to do with you. RR was interested in someone else. Pug nose, barmaid and probably eats a few too many slices of pizza weekly, not to mention talks like a man. Ok done with the petty stuff - she does have a college degree and treats RR pretty well. She does also refer to me as "Baby Mama" - after 4 years of dating RR on and off I still don't have a name. Again - Kristine this situation was 100% out of your control. Look back on it and KNOW you did the right thing by not calling him the next day or the next week for that matter. You MOVED on. You were so FREAKING AMAZING!!!!...for 6 days. Then he called you crying. He said he could not live without you. He was your soulmate. He is LOST without you. He missed your cooking. He missed the girls. He missed the laughter. He missed the comfort. And you FELL for it. Day 1 was good, Day 2-6 were good and then on Day 7 it snapped again.
