Day 5 was fine until something snapped. Great day, Portland Freight Committee downtown, a verbal praise at work that meant a lot and then a sit down. A sit down. It is time to make decisions about RR's future. He can essentially go away for the mistake he made. My outer self is calm, cool and collected. My inner self feels sick. Literally sick, butterflies, can't fell my hands. The whole nine yards. How will he pay his rent? How will he pay his truck payment? How will he live? (I even thought, How will he drink?...so screwed up!)
"Kristine - Do you realize that if he makes a catastrophic mistake it will reflect on us? It is our decision to put him in his position every day. Do you trust him?" my boss asked.
There are 7 drivers I would have trusted with my employment. These are drivers that put the company first, no matter what. They do not speed. They do not take shortcuts. They would have never made the decision that was made on Wednesday. They are the drivers that if something happened, I could stand up to my boss or in court and say, "It was an unforeseen accident." I am now down to 6. If I am a transportation manager and a risk manager for my company and I know someone as well as I do, I know what has to be done.
Almost four years ago in April, RR overturned a truck and trailer loaded with a crane. The costs were catastrophic (over a million) and everyone looked at me and thought, "Why did she make the decision to put him in that position?" I took the blame and stood in front of the board and admitted I had made a mistake. All the while listening to the 84,000 excuses from RR as to why it wasn't his fault. It was my fault for trusting him. It saved his employment. My employment wasn't in jeopardy because it was my first mistake of cost. I made that judgement call because I trusted him. When he told me he was capable, I never doubted it.
I doubt him now and I doubt my ability to take the blame for a catastrophic accident twice.
"No, we will not hurt his livelihood," I hear myself say. We will take a different course of action and protect the company however he will remain employed unless he cannot abide by our restrictions. Again, I have saved him. He will never know. He will think that he pleaded his case or that they were too stupid to see the truth. He will blame me for being in trouble in the first place or he will say that he gets picked on for being my boyfriend.
Let my conscience know - Kristine - After this, you have no guilt. You have given him his 9 Lives. 7 personally and at least 2 professionally.
And then I went to Happy Hour with friends and became an emotional bitch. I took to heart everything that was said and went home sad calling Kara and telling her how hurtful she was. (whether or not she was remains to be seen - we will have to wait for hindsight to ascend upon us ;) Where are these emotions and insecurities coming from? And can they please get on their merry way asap?
Or perhaps I do know. It is a whole lot of punishment to know that every day when you go to work you may or may not see the Ex love of your life. You may or may not have to make a decision that efffects his life. You may or may not look at him and fall to pieces again.
If you have someone that you say Good Morning to everyday and Good Night every night - they are the first and last people that you talk to - don't ever take it for granted.
Day 5 was not good for a reason that I don't fully understand, except for the fact that I feel lost without him. It is an emotional reason beyond my control. I shared my analogy with Kara despite feeling stupid. Kara and I have been BFF's since 5th grade and I anticipate almost every response and they usually start with "Kristine!" - and then preludes with how dramatic I am being. But this response was so appreciated. She said, "Kristine, I get that. You have a right to feel that and I have empathy for it. I love you - Do you want me to come over?"...No Kara, I just needed to feel validation. Thank you for that. More than you know.
