No calls. Woke up at 4am wondering if he was doing the same, lying awake wondering where we went wrong. Probably not, although there are many times I have found out in the past that we were both awake thinking about the other in misery because we weren't together. I feel like I am missing a piece of my family, like when Jamey and I fight and he won't talk to me for weeks.
RR got in some trouble at work this morning. He did something REALLY stupid and REALLY selfish. It was something that I can honestly say no one else that we work with would ever do. He cost our company a days worth of work for 2 guys, he cost some morale and as usual he cost me a little more dignity. He could have been fired for what he did (In fact I COULD HAVE FIRED HIM) however he has this weird amnesty - possibly because of me, possibly because of skill or charisma in other areas. Every time he does something wrong it is reflected on me at work. Mainly because people still think we're together and if we aren't they expect us to be back together next week. History repeating itself right?
I am really glad he did this stupid act. Not because I am vindictive and want him fired. Not because it made him look bad. I am glad he did this because it was an eye opener to me. As I stated before, what he did was so stupid and selfish, it PROVED that RR is thinking about one person and one person only. And as Paul Harvey would say...The Rest of the Story....Is that I don't see it changing.
I compare him at times to my brother Carson as they are close to the same age. I have always justified RR's immaturity against Carson's maturity due to Carson having a house payment or a wife or a baby etc. etc. However, come to think of it Carson was never stupid before he had all of those things. RR works hard, no doubt about it...when he is at Morgan. Morgan is the place that feeds his ego. Morgan is what makes him feel like a man. Me as his boss makes him feel complete. He and I have never had a problem in the work area. He is generally in love with me at work or was he always just kissing my ass to get ahead? Hmmm ponder that....no...not worth it. Get him away from work? A year or 2 ago he would be working on a car or my house projects, now he is driving from bar to bar looking for someone to hang out with. Sad that his work ethic is being wasted on a need to belong. Get Carson away from work and he is finding a new project. So proud of him.
Point of the story is, RR is not changing. Once he has a house payment or children to care for he will still make stupid, selfish mistakes because he has been brought up to care for one person and his initials are RR.
So enough about RR. My day was a little hard for 2 reasons. 1. RR has always come to me to solve his problems and he didn't today. I know this is awesome because it means my point has been made to him however it is sad. An end to an era. RR doesn't get to run to me and I don't get to fix his problems. I'm a fixer. 2. We were slow at work. Slow work makes for an idle brain, idle brain means I had to try and focus on other things and I have to admit I did a pretty sad job of it today. I was once again anxious, a pacing cat in the afternoon, unable to focus. Hard day.
Wow, listen to me. My day was a little hard? I am reading a book about a single mom whose husband left her with 2 children after learning one had Asberger's Syndrome and it records 18 years of hell for this woman. Now those are some hard days! To compare is almost laughable. I got ready for my full-time job with a warm shower and was greeted by two little divas who can't refrain from telling me how much they love me. I then drove them to their places of care during the day in my nice warm suburban after dressing them in their fabulous outfits, (not to mention 2 out of the 3 of us wearing designer jeans ;). I then ran a meeting of approximately 10 people, had lunch with my amazing sister-in-law who likes and respects me for God only knows why and then went home to my messy home that I own and started it all over again. In hindsight...the only struggles were of the mind....this anxiety. No real hardships. No losses. No Unhappiness.
After RR's messages on Day 3 I relayed them to Cassi and she said, "Ignore him. He is a trap of unhappiness". This spoke to me. A trap is something that anyone or anything fights to get out of once they are caught. Only the strong prevail. I refuse to be unhappy any longer.
Dear God, Thank you for my blessings. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for assisting me in not being vindictive, jealous or mean-spirited. Thank you for the health of my daughters. Please don't give up on me. I am a leader by nature but I will follow you out of this trap of unhappiness.
