I woke up this morning with a text from him telling me he had a very busy day yesterday and would like to talk to me today and "Good Night". RR is famous for his good night texts in the last 6 months. I get them whether we are together or not. A way to keep me at bay I am certain. So now for the story of the Eve of Day 1.
RR had invited the chicas and I to his Dad's best friend's surprise 60th Birthday party. I felt honored. I felt official. I felt like we had finally got our Sh!t together. The girls dad had them on Friday night so we had also gone to his best friend's birthday party at a bar. Now come the warning signs.
On Friday night when talking about where we were going, RR told me not to wear my black boots over my pants because that was too fancy. Then when I went to put on my favorite green coat, he said, "Just wear your North Face". Plain old company logo'd North Face to a birthday party???? And what is the most surprising is that I did what he asked. Ugh! The birthday party at the bar was nothing special but an overall good time. I made great conversation with his friends and their girlfriends.
The next night, the 28th was the night of the Dad's best friend party. Çhicas invited but told "not to dress them up in dresses". Really? Have you met my daughters? Girls we have a party to go to tonight. Ok, Mom what dress are we wearing? Then ChanChan's fit over not getting to wear her party dress....I made it up to her by letting her wear it to church on Sunday! We went to the party and I noticed a few things. First, RR was not affectionate. He got me drinks all night and made sure I was comfortable but did not stand by my side or put his arm around me. Second, he didn't introduce me to anyone unless he had to. So I drank a few too many, and started to wonder how I was going to change this situation.
We went home and he was texting someone. I stood by him and he jerked his phone away which arouse my suspicion. I don't recall how it all went down but it ended with him once again telling me that he LOVES me. He LOVES the Girls. He Loves the dream of the life we could have but he cannot GUARANTEE anything and furthermore feels confidant that there will be something better in 1-2 years and he will either feel trapped or cheat.
That last sentence was almost verbatim. I was sober by then. Sobered by grief!!! I cried. I tried to change his mind reminding him of the good times and the future. I questioned as to why he was the picture of an amazing boyfriend last week? He had showered me with love texts, lunch dates and love you's at the end of every call. I did not win this one. He went home and told me not to call him which I did anyway. Then he yelled at me and told me to sleep and we would talk the next day. The next day he told me he had to work in his shop and he needed a day to think. He told me that my crying had taken me multiple steps backwards in his mind.
I called the BFF Kara and she came over and helped me with the girls. I laid on my bed and my fabulous daughter came and laid on top of me and cried with me. I know at some point I will have to forgive myself for doing that to her but right now I am so disappointed. Disappointed that I let my grief effect my gorgeous daughters. Kara brought up the excellent point that I am only teaching them how to deal with future relationships and would I ever want them in this position? No Way. No Way.
I went to church and thank you God for the amazing sermon on anxiety and depression. I get so anxious when RR and I are broke up that I cannot focus on a single thing whether it be a phone call, a tea party or a book. The sermon said the obvious. How we think leads to how we feel. How we feel influences our lives. So essentially what we think is HOW WE LIVE. Do I want to live feeling less than adequate for someone? Do I want to live pacing like a cat anxiously awaiting the next fight? The funny thing is that I found I was pacing whether or not we were together.
So what to do?
1. Take Every thought Captive. Lock it in a dungeon and throw away the key if it is an evil. If not it will CONTROL you.
2. Turn Anxiety into prayer. Do I think I will take my anxious thoughts and pray every time? No but I will take my anxious thoughts and focus on something better for my life or my daughters' lives.
3. Fill the mind with God's thoughts or for me I translate this into things that God would want me to think about. Wouldn't he want me to focus on my job so I can support my family? Or what activity would bring light and laughter to my daughters?
Thank you God for the sermon. We can either A. Succumb to our feelings and our Anxiety or B. We can fight back.
Here is to fighting back and Day 2!
