I flailed through the morning until my workout appointment at noon. I fought with the idea of even going as even that seemed pointless. I went as a means to get out of the office. As I was driving toward the appointment I saw his truck at a business in route. I slowed down. So he could see me? Yes. He was getting into his truck and he looked at me. I came to an almost complete stop and we stared at each other. Then I got my bearings and moved forward. He followed me. He parked in the parking lot next to me.
What ensued next is hard to explain to an outsider but essentially this blog is for me so forgive me if it is confusing.
"Kristine, I woke up missing you this morning. You are the first thought on my brain when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep. You and the girls are what I think about - no a minute goes by when I am not thinking of you three," he says.
"Don't tell me this. You don't want this. You have proved this 7 times. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE AND FEEL THAT IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT? YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN FINALLY GET MAD AT YOU BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES! YOU MADE THIS MY FAULT, YOU HAVE TOLD ME 84,000 TIMES HOW MUCH I HURT YOU AND WHAT A BITCH I WAS. YOU HAVE TOLD ME TO GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT MY ACTIONS, YOU HAVE TOLD ME TO CHANGE MY CLOTHES, YOU HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU CAN'T FORGIVE ME FOR LEAVING YOU IN THE PAST." That looks like it was yelling but it was really just crying. I asked him, "Did you want to break me?" That isn't what love is.
RR- I broke your heart accidentally more times than I can count. I told you my guilt, and my inability to move forward after the divorce. I never made it about you. Every time I "hoped' you would move on and gave you the tools to do so. I even gave you your job back because you said if you couldn't have me you at least needed your dream job. So I made that happen. I never broke you. I built you and built you and then finally loved the person I had molded and built. SUCKS. Sucks. Sucks.
He said he wished it could go back to the old times where he came over when he wanted, he and I made love when we wanted and I never cared about what he did when we weren't together. I replied vehemently that it wasn't possible. That was called dating and this was a relationship. The best of both worlds doesn't last forever.
He said that every day he sees me at work and falls in love all over again because of my confidence and beauty etc. etc. and then he receives a text or a FB message from some girl and wants to see where that leads.
He cried. Tears and tears, mirroring me. He wants his best friend back. He is so sorry for hurting me and he is going to prove to me that he wants to be my "Go-To" guy whether at work or at home. I told him this isn't necessary, however I had to have some pride.
When he cried it made me feel like he has pity on me. This made me feel pathetic. He is sad that I am sad and that he has hurt me. He isn't sad he lost me. I don't ever want to be pitied. So I told him you know what? Friends is good. I did this to save face and avoid pity. This doesn't mean there are calls and texting and happy hour. It means that he doesn't walk into a room and feel sorry for me.
Mike chastised me for this - said I was giving him the best of both worlds. I disagree. I have received 2 phone calls and a couple texts that I have either not answered or texted back nonchalantly. I know in my heart this is done but I WILL BE DAMNED if I am going to have him walk into work think that I am pining over him or sad about him. I want him to walk into work everyday regretting trying to hurt me and always wonder if he actually did. I want to be so strong that he wonders why we ever cried in a parking lot together.
I know what he is and who he is. I don't think he is manipulative or mean-spirited. I think he is immature and a follower. A follower of all the people who don't know me.
Oh so by the way - today Kristine you did pretty good. One breakdown. But other than you kicked ass in a meeting at the Port of Vancouver and a ton of bids and a great meeting revamping some of our billing processes - again Kristine seriously, you kicked ass. Then you went home and walked your girls and hounds and made them dinner and was 80% present in all conversations. Good job. This is the stuff that counts.
Dear God, I used to pray to show RR the light. I also prayed to give me strength. Please put the latter 1st. I am going to seek your strength. Feel free to show RR the light, but when you do - make sure I am long gone. Gone like Yesterday.
