Day 3 is a little odd. I still feel that I am on this HIGH of moving forward and taking control, however there was a phone call and voicemail from RR this morning that made me test the theory of setting bad thoughts aside. I had to actually WORK to keep my mind moving forward. I never felt sad. I didn't ever really feel mad. The irony of today is that I didn't FEEL anything however, I had to WORK to keep my mind from going idle again.
I am realizing now RR's NEED to be the "good guy". He left me a voicemail this morning stating he had NO IDEA why I wasn't returning his phone call or text from the day before after he had treated me so well when times were good. "Treated me well when times were good". Let that sink in for a second. Treated me well when times were good??? His second statement was that it is not his fault that things turned for the worse and his third statement was that he missed the girls, followed with he didn't understand how I could be so "rude" not to return his calls. My first thought? What a BITCH. (Him, not me ;) Really?
So all day my mind TRIED to analyze his words. My mind gave him the time of day. Believe me, I FOUGHT back. I went to the chiropractor, I bought fabulous new boots, I made a spreadsheet analyzing costs for the company (I am NOT a spreadsheet girl) and I made a fabulous chicken salad to feed my co-workers tomorrow. I made myself present to my daughters thoughts, imagination and homework. (They are so fabulous by the way ;) I fought the idle thoughts that my mistakes have clouded my brain with. It is strange to admit that I actually shook my head back and forth to clear my thoughts and focus today. Literally shook my head.
What irritates me is that I had to fight so hard. I can honestly say that if he showed up at my doorstep right now I would be sad because it is OVER. I would have to tell him to leave. I would have to tell him that I want to be worshipped the rest of my life and his incapable.
Some may laugh at the thought of waiting to be worshipped. I have been worshipped by 2 different men before. One I married and one was the old RR. It is fabulous. I took it for granted. I laughed at it and stomped on it and NEVER took it for what it was worth. I believe it will happen again and when it does I am going to - A. Make sure the man is FOR REAL and B. Embrace it with my heart and every ounce of respect that I should have embraced it with before.
I KNOW this is me. About 5 years ago someone gave me a little sign at work that is still on the back of my office door (attached to full length mirror) that states, "Once you learn to worship me we will get along just fine". I worship my friendships with other people. I worship my relationship with my parents and my brothers. I worship my fabulous daughters. I worship God. I deserve the same not from my children, not from my friends or family, but definitely from the man in my life. He can tell me when I am being a bitch. He can tell me when I need to brush my teeth or not wear a certain pair of jeans but he must absolutely love me in my absence.
When I say worship, I do not mean hands and knees. Worship to me is a different word then it sounds. To me, Worship is when you absolutely smile, stick up for, LOVE and stand by when that person is not around. A couple years ago I found out that people that I loved were shunning me behind my back and making my inadequacies known to anyone that would listen. I am SO THANKFUL that they did that. Without that, how would I have ever found my true friends? The ones that worship me as much as I worship them.
A funny little story that comes to mind. My dear friend Mike Fellows was out of town about a year and a half ago with a crew that loves to air my dirty laundry. Let me preface this story with the fact that this crew had to sit at the Utah/California border for over a week due to one of my biggest screw-ups in the history of my career. In addition to that, about 80% of them can't stand RR so add those two aspects together and you get a whole lot of trash talkin'. This story takes place about 6-9 months after Mike became my assistant. This is the best working relationship I have had to this day. There were many battles but they were fought and overcame with respect rather than personal accusations or threats. (Unfortunately those had been present in other working relationships). Back to the story, Mike out of town with big crew. Mike leaves room as they are all reminiscing about that fateful trip in Cali where I left them high and dry. As he is coming back to the room he hears something derogatory said about me. (To this day he claims to not remember what it was which I really appreciate because although I claim to not care what others think, it is always hard to hear something that is either Grossly TRUE or Grossly False and this I am sure was one or the other). He calls out prior to walking into the room, "Hey I'm walking back in and I like Kristine!".
I know Mike spoke the truth when he told that story because since that day I have heard the rumor that we are sleeping together ;) It reminds me of the time when someone said something about me at a bar and my boyfriend at the time (Travis) had told them how amazing I was and to shut their trap.
What moved Mike to do this for me? He gained nothing out of it. If anything he was laughed at. I like to think that he did it because working side by side with me he knows that I strive to be ethical, fair and passionate at my profession. Or perhaps he just felt sorry for me ;) Either way I will take it and I will use it as ammunition that it is HOW I am supposed to be treated when I am not around, when no one is looking and when I am oblivious to what others think. A big shout out to Michael although I don't plan on giving him this blog address.
The above stories seem like nothing special but how many people do you know that would do this for you???? I hope anyone that reads this can say that their loved one and best friends will do this for them AND that they would return the favor! I can honestly say Robert wouldn't do that for me. He has sat for 4 years and listened to people talk horrible things about me. (Whether they be TRUE or FALSE he should never have listened if he LOVED me).
I could go on and on. Lindsey Bozich did the same when others had turned against me. She fought back. She sought the truth. She believed in me. And those that trusted her did the same.
AND FURTHERMORE, Do unto others as you want done to yourself. Don't REWARD bad behavior. I should have used this wonderful "Nanny 911" logic on RR because Lord knows I have rewarded HORRIBLE behavior with love and my version of worship.
So I will continue to fight and I pray it gets easier because when he called again tonight I almost answered. Writing this down helps me more than I could have ever imagines. It lets me see on paper what I ALMOST settled for.
