Day 13ish? Patterns....

I had already seen some patterns.  Patterns of selfishness, patterns of dishonesty, patterns of just plain old wishy washy.  Patterns of him wanting me back the minute I walked away.  Patterns of unforgiveness.

Today is about my pattern.  A pattern of sadness and not being present.  I have used the term of being on a roller coaster to describe the last six months.  That means there are highs and lows.  But it also means you go rushing to the top and you stay there for a bit and then go plunging to the bottom.  Yesterday was the top and then I feel myself rushing down again today.

My down pattern is weekends.  He called me almost every morning and evening this whole week.  Generally I didn't answer unless it was during work hours.  I was even so strong one night that I didn't listen to one of the voicemails he left until the next morning.  That was a high for me.  I knew his voicemail would disappoint me and change my night and I didn't want that for the girls.  I reminded myself all week that this high would go away on the weekend.  I knew on Saturday there would be no call.  Saturday is when he has a life.  During the week his life is work and work is me.

So today I feel lethargic even though yesterday was great.  Why was yesterday great?  Because when we were talking about work he told me how hard it was to see me every day and know he screwed up and that he missed me.  I told him I didn't want to hear it although I craved hearing it like grease after a hangover.  Mike and I had a little meeting with him and when he walked out I told him to have a good weekend and he stopped and said, "Really that's it?" and kept standing in my doorway like I was supposed to get up and tell him not to go or that I loved him.

It reminded me of the day he got back from Kansas.  He had broken my heart but then walked right in my office and swooped me up and kissed me.  And then he came over, we made love, and then he stayed the night at another girls house.  It was a good memory.  It reminded me that I don't want to be used.  It reminded me that I don't want someone that is a follower.

So why am I lethargic today?  I know he has plans tonight.  They are public on his facebook. His plans make me sad.  I am so scared he is going to find some amazing girlfriend and not look back on me fondly.  Or that he will be super happy.  Or that I won't be...

I am so mad at myself for letting his actions control my feelings.  I am proud of myself for not returning his call last night.  That is a roller coaster.

Today is a depressing post but it is an attempt to change the pattern.  Change what I think, to change how I feel to change what I do.  New Thought - Kristine you are strong.  You showed dignity and strength this week.  You have him second guessing his actions.  You are still second-guessing yourself.  Stop.  You are doing the right thing.  You should not use his piss-poor phone calls as an excuse to call him back as you used to.  You will move forward.

After my divorce I told myself, I can't wait until the day I feel that Travis is a fond memory and not the love of my life.  I got there.  I will get there again.