Moving on.

It has been 51 days since I physically saw your face. 54 days since I kissed your eyes and those beautiful sunshine creases.  54 days since I was rubbed raw by your sandpaper 5:00 shadow.  54 days since Stacy.  54 days since I cringed when I touched the mole.  54 days since your arm wrapped completely around me.  54 days since I stood in the kitchen exhausted and drank the good stuff with you.  54 days since I stood at the door and kissed you goodbye in my red robe. 

Yet, you are everywhere.  You're in my dreams treating me horribly.  You're in my morning recap thanking God I'm not doing this insanity with you anymore.  You're in the stars when I'm in Florida.  You're standing by the water waiting to drag me in.  You're drunk in my sober acting poorly and sober in my drunk looking amazing. 

You ask what you could have done better or not to lose me.  I know the answer.  It is simple in my brain yet there are not words.  You should have loved me more than you loved you is the closest I can come in words.

I see you everywhere yet I pray everyday that I don't see you.  I hear your truck.  I hear your ring tone.  I see your black yet and your smily eyes and your mole next to your eye and my heart falls because oh my Gosh is it him and what will I do?   Dear God, please don't let me see him until I am ready.  I am ready to ignore your emails and phone calls as I have been for 51 days.  I am not ready to face you.  Please protect me.